Kindness in Difference

How to Be Kind to Those You Disagree With

In today’s world, disagreements can often feel like battle lines. Whether it’s politics, lifestyle choices, or how pineapple belongs (or doesn’t!) on pizza, differences in opinions seem everywhere. But maintaining kindness even in disagreement is not only possible—it’s powerful. Choosing kindness can deepen relationships, promote understanding, and help create a more compassionate world.

On this week’s Wellness Wednesday, we look at how to navigate disagreements respectfully and with kindness.

Illustration of side profiles of various people

1. Remember: Disagreement Isn’t Personal

One of the first steps in showing kindness during disagreements is recognizing that differing viewpoints aren’t attacks on our character. People’s beliefs and opinions are shaped by their unique experiences, cultures, and personal journeys. Instead of assuming malice, try to remember that others may simply see the world through a different lens.

Tip: When you start feeling defensive, take a deep breath and remind yourself, “This isn’t about me.” It’s a small shift, but it can keep emotions in check and help you approach the conversation with an open mind.

2. Listen First, Speak Second

One of the best ways to show kindness is through active listening. When someone feels truly heard, they are more likely to reciprocate with respect. Even if you don’t agree, taking the time to understand the other person’s perspective shows that you value them.

The Harvard Business Review defines active listening as, “When you not only hear what someone is saying, but also attune to their thoughts and feelings. It turns a conversation into an active, non-competitive, two-way interaction.”

How to Practice Active Listening:
  • Maintain eye contact: Show that you’re engaged.
  • Avoid interrupting: Let them finish their thoughts before responding.
  • Ask open-ended questions: Say things like, “Can you tell me more about why you feel this way?” This encourages them to share more and gives you a fuller understanding.

By genuinely listening, you might discover nuances in their perspective that you hadn’t considered. And even if you don’t come around to their point of view, the act of listening itself is an act of kindness.

3. Empathize with Their Perspective

Empathy allows us to put ourselves in another’s shoes, to consider why they feel the way they do. Instead of jumping to conclusions or judgments, take a moment to imagine their side of the story. Even if their experiences differ wildly from your own, the practice of empathy helps bridge that gap.

Example: If someone holds a viewpoint that’s foreign to you, think about the factors that might have shaped their beliefs. Maybe it’s cultural, maybe it’s based on a specific life experience, or maybe they grew up with different values. By stepping into their world, even momentarily, you foster understanding and soften your own heart toward their perspective.

4. Choose Your Words Carefully

Words have power. What we say, and how we say it, can build up or tear down. In times of disagreement, choosing your words carefully can make the difference between a heated argument and a constructive conversation.

Psychology Today, in its article 11 Tips for Talking to Someone You Disagree With, warns against using sarcasm. Author Melody Stanford Martin states, “Sarcasm, especially sarcasm in online conversations, can be particularly risky for discourse because we can’t always hear or accurately interpret auditory tone.” She also advises to, “Try to say exactly what you mean and don’t crack jokes at someone’s expense.”

Here are a few ways to keep your language respectful:

  • Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, say, “I feel differently because…” rather than “You’re wrong.”
  • Avoid absolutes like “always” and “never.” Statements like “You never listen” can make people feel attacked and defensive.
  • Stay away from inflammatory language. Descriptions like “ridiculous” or “nonsense” will likely lead to a shutdown in communication.

By choosing kind, neutral language, you leave room for a more respectful and open dialogue.

5. Agree to Disagree

Sometimes, it’s okay to reach a point where you simply agree to disagree. In fact, it’s a valuable skill to recognize when a conversation isn’t likely to reach a resolution. Agreeing to disagree can be a kind way to acknowledge that each person’s viewpoint is valid without needing one to “win” or “lose” the discussion.

Phrase to Try: “I think we see things differently on this one, and that’s okay. I’m glad we could have this conversation.”

This approach shows that you value the person, even if your perspectives don’t align. It also reinforces the idea that kindness doesn’t require consensus; it requires respect.

 

6. Set Boundaries if Necessary

Being kind doesn’t mean enduring endless, unproductive arguments. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do for yourself and the other person is to set healthy boundaries around certain topics. If there’s an issue that always causes tension, consider gently steering conversations away from that area.

How to Set a Boundary Kindly:
  • Be honest: Politely state why you’d rather avoid the topic. For example, “I value our relationship too much to let this issue create tension.”
  • Be firm but polite: You don’t have to engage in every debate. A simple, “Let’s talk about something else,” can be all you need to say.
  • Have an alternative topic ready: Redirecting to a mutual interest can be a helpful way to keep the conversation positive.

7. Express Appreciation for Their Willingness to Engage

Disagreement doesn’t have to be negative. Often, it’s a sign that someone cares enough to share their views, even if they differ from yours. Show gratitude for their willingness to engage by saying something like, “I appreciate hearing your perspective. Thank you for sharing it with me.”

This approach validates their effort and turns a potentially contentious moment into an opportunity to deepen your connection. It also signals that you value them as a person, not just as a source of agreement or disagreement.

8. Focus on Common Ground

Despite our differences, there are almost always areas of overlap. Try to find shared values, experiences, or goals that can serve as a foundation for respect. When you focus on what you have in common, it becomes easier to approach disagreements with kindness.

Executive coach and leadership trainer, Matteo Trevisan says, “The constructive approach is to be curious and seek to understand.” Trevisan advises that we do this by finding areas of agreement rather than disagreement.

Example: If you and a friend disagree about a social issue, consider talking about your shared values, like wanting the best for your community or caring about fairness. Building on these similarities can make your differences feel less divisive and help keep the conversation friendly.

9. Take a Break if Emotions Run High

It’s natural to feel passionate, especially about deeply held beliefs. But when emotions start to escalate, it’s often wise to take a breather. Kindness includes knowing when to step back to avoid saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment.

How to Pause Gracefully:
  • Politely suggest a break: “I think it might help if we take a step back and revisit this later.”
  • Focus on your feelings rather than placing blame: “I’m feeling a little too emotional to have a productive conversation right now.”

Taking a break can allow both parties to gather their thoughts, cool down, and return with a clearer mindset, making it easier to maintain a respectful tone.

10. Reflect on the Experience

After a disagreement, take a moment to reflect on what you learned. Did the conversation change your viewpoint? Did you learn something new about the other person? Reflecting can help you grow from each interaction and reinforce the importance of kindness, even in the face of differing opinions.

Consider asking yourself questions like:

  • “What did I learn about myself?”
  • “Did I handle the conversation with respect and kindness?”
  • “Is there something I could do differently next time?”

 

Disagreeing doesn’t have to be a negative experience. When we choose kindness, we open the door to respectful, meaningful exchanges. Practicing patience, empathy, and understanding during disagreements is a powerful way to honor both ourselves and those we interact with. After all, true kindness isn’t just about how we treat people who think like us—it’s about how we treat those who don’t.

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